I was feeling so giddy and excited about the snow that was falling, that I celebrated by going back to an old habit: Potato chips. WTH? What am I thinking? I dunno why I do stuff like that.
Now I feel bloated and yukky and exhausted. I'm going to Judy's for dinner tonight and not only can that girl burn, my husband is making homemade bread! Yet I'm gonna sit there bummed because I feel slugging and full of CHIPS. Aurgh.
Anyhoo, I'm just saying that the snow puts me in such a good mood. I honestly do believe that I have RSAD, and am living in the best possible place for that kind of drama. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lay on the floor with the dog and stare out the window... and giggle.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Post Birthday Blues - NOT
So on the way back from Texas a few days ago, I became super depressed. I had spent time with DeAnna, Jeannette, Michelle, Sylvia... women who love me. Women who are interested in my welfare, care for me, reach out to me. I realized how much I missed and NEEDED that. Here, in Alaska, I'm in love with the Last Frontier, but am lonely. I have met some super awesome chicks, but a part of me was looking to fill the void my Texans left. That was absolutely wrong of me.
I began to pray, in earnest, for full and true support system. For women who needed my friendship in a healthy way, and not for their physical or financial existence. Women who not only wanted my company, but knew I wanted theirs. I dunno... just a circle of friends. I'm so grateful for the two women I already have, but with different lifestyles and priorities, it's sooooo hard to access each other.
Upon my return, I met a new lady at the church for some Chick BBQ event shopping. Not only did she insist on paying for lunch (something I always do), she offered to drive (again, always me). I was super grateful, and bought her some Starbucks for the road. She's so easy to be around! She's also Mexican... FROM TEXAS. And HATES Texas. OMG, I was in hog heaven. We didn't stop laughing or gabbing for even a moment! It was a great day.
I ABHOR "begging," but I swallowed my pride a couple of days ago, and a day after the shopping trip, and asked one of the women from Bible Study to meet me for coffee for my birthday. She hugged me and said she'd definitely make time. I felt a bit better. Then, the day before, at Bible Study, she ANNOUNCED it, and other women WANTED to be a part of the coffee date. I was so flattered, I almost wept. I quickly scuttled out and headed home, afraid to hope it was true. So many disappointments here in Alaska on the friend front... could these women really care to be around me on my birthday?
Brace yourself: I walked in and they had decorated a couple of Starbucks tables with napkins, gifts, and a sugar free cheesecake.
Yes, I cried.
After I stopped being a goober, they showered me with laughter and love and coffee. We ate up that cheesecake and enjoyed our time. It was then that they invited me to go with them to IHOP and Build A Bear for one of their daughter's birthday... also yesterday. I refused to impose, but they were insistent. I went... and couldn't have been happier.
Long story short (I know, too late), I had a better birthday than I could've imagined. So much fun... new friendships, great gifts, awesome cheesecake, and the promise of God's love coming to fruition AGAIN.
I am blessed!
I began to pray, in earnest, for full and true support system. For women who needed my friendship in a healthy way, and not for their physical or financial existence. Women who not only wanted my company, but knew I wanted theirs. I dunno... just a circle of friends. I'm so grateful for the two women I already have, but with different lifestyles and priorities, it's sooooo hard to access each other.
Upon my return, I met a new lady at the church for some Chick BBQ event shopping. Not only did she insist on paying for lunch (something I always do), she offered to drive (again, always me). I was super grateful, and bought her some Starbucks for the road. She's so easy to be around! She's also Mexican... FROM TEXAS. And HATES Texas. OMG, I was in hog heaven. We didn't stop laughing or gabbing for even a moment! It was a great day.
I ABHOR "begging," but I swallowed my pride a couple of days ago, and a day after the shopping trip, and asked one of the women from Bible Study to meet me for coffee for my birthday. She hugged me and said she'd definitely make time. I felt a bit better. Then, the day before, at Bible Study, she ANNOUNCED it, and other women WANTED to be a part of the coffee date. I was so flattered, I almost wept. I quickly scuttled out and headed home, afraid to hope it was true. So many disappointments here in Alaska on the friend front... could these women really care to be around me on my birthday?
Brace yourself: I walked in and they had decorated a couple of Starbucks tables with napkins, gifts, and a sugar free cheesecake.
Yes, I cried.
After I stopped being a goober, they showered me with laughter and love and coffee. We ate up that cheesecake and enjoyed our time. It was then that they invited me to go with them to IHOP and Build A Bear for one of their daughter's birthday... also yesterday. I refused to impose, but they were insistent. I went... and couldn't have been happier.
Long story short (I know, too late), I had a better birthday than I could've imagined. So much fun... new friendships, great gifts, awesome cheesecake, and the promise of God's love coming to fruition AGAIN.
I am blessed!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Protective
Cody never ceases to amaze me. He's a great kid. He's a teenager... don't get me wrong, sometimes he makes me want to bang my own head against the wall in hopes of seeing what he sees as logic, but overall, excellent human being. I should know. I helped God make him that way. ;)
But a few days ago, when we were at the mall getting our pictures done, he just took the cake. Let me give you a taste of the big story first... an aperitif, if you will.
About a month ago, he went with me to Walmart to do a little shopping. I chose to use the stroller that day, since it was super cold and I didn't want little hands all over shopping carts. We'd finished our shopping, and Cody was holding our bags while I pushed the stroller to the exit. I turned to him and said, "Want to wait here while I go get the car?" He shook his head and said, "Mom, go." Ohhhhkay... so onward I went. As we made it to the car, he said, "Sorry, but there were a couple of guys back there that looked kinda weird. I didn't want the kids around them." Oh, my. My instincts have clearly fallen asleep or been passed to a new generation.
Fast forward to picture day at 5th Avenue Mall: We'd done our sitting, and I had promised Cody dinner and a game from Game Stop. We ate, I was sluggish because I'd made a bad food choice, and wanted to go home, but darnit, I promised Cody his game... and off to Game Stop on the first floor we went. As we exited the elevator, Cody said, "I just want to get my game and get out of here. I don't like being here with the twins." I was taken aback, and asked, incredulously, "They embarrass you??" He shook his head and said, "No, I love being out with them. Girls look at me twice as much! I just don't like them around all these people. I feel like I can't protect them well here."
And in that moment, I knew he was ALL my son. My bodyguard career has been passed down. :)
But a few days ago, when we were at the mall getting our pictures done, he just took the cake. Let me give you a taste of the big story first... an aperitif, if you will.
About a month ago, he went with me to Walmart to do a little shopping. I chose to use the stroller that day, since it was super cold and I didn't want little hands all over shopping carts. We'd finished our shopping, and Cody was holding our bags while I pushed the stroller to the exit. I turned to him and said, "Want to wait here while I go get the car?" He shook his head and said, "Mom, go." Ohhhhkay... so onward I went. As we made it to the car, he said, "Sorry, but there were a couple of guys back there that looked kinda weird. I didn't want the kids around them." Oh, my. My instincts have clearly fallen asleep or been passed to a new generation.
Fast forward to picture day at 5th Avenue Mall: We'd done our sitting, and I had promised Cody dinner and a game from Game Stop. We ate, I was sluggish because I'd made a bad food choice, and wanted to go home, but darnit, I promised Cody his game... and off to Game Stop on the first floor we went. As we exited the elevator, Cody said, "I just want to get my game and get out of here. I don't like being here with the twins." I was taken aback, and asked, incredulously, "They embarrass you??" He shook his head and said, "No, I love being out with them. Girls look at me twice as much! I just don't like them around all these people. I feel like I can't protect them well here."
And in that moment, I knew he was ALL my son. My bodyguard career has been passed down. :)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I was right... and I'm STILL the one who's gonna pay for it.
I'm so damned irritated. Now, there may be some foul language in this post, so if you have virgin ears (or eyes), close this window.
I am a well read woman. I do research as deeply as possible when it comes to my health, and that of my family's. I knew that when the time came, we'd be doing a bit of crying it out. It hurt like a sonofabitch, but in my heart, it was the right thing to do. Now, before my mother moved in with us, we didn't do a TON of it, but enough that they'd go down for naps, or go back to sleep if we went in during the night with a bottle.
After Mom moved in, my world exploded in many, many different ways. Jon received orders to Afghanistan, the twins began sleeping through the night fairly regularly, I made the momentous decision to go through with gastric bypass... it was a lot to take in! However, at some point, the twins began to pick up on all the changes and tension. They began refusing to go to sleep at night. Crying it out became an hour long process. My mother CONSTANTLY interfered, busting into their bedroom with bottles, picking them up, yelling and crying at us, etc. It was absolutely HORRIFIC. The twins recognized that she'd give in, and began pouring it on full force. I've never been so frustrated!
Not long after my surgery and their first birthday, Jon left. Great. Now I HAD to depend on her for help, and help is all she gave the twins... NOT ME. Long story short (too late), they've gone from waking once a night, MAYBE, to refusing to sleep in their room at all. Now wait... before you go off half cocked giving me advice as though I've not attempted everything under the sun, you should know I resorted to melatonin. Last night, and tonight.
Last night, Teddy slept til midnight, and Rudy til 5:45.
Tonight, they haven't been to sleep yet. Apparently, melatonin is a $7 joke to my children. I finally gave Rudy to my mother, and Cody is playing with Teddy right now so I can take a few minutes to calm down. When my mother came in to see what all the crying was about, I lost it... but only a little. I said, "THIS is what I've spent MONTHS trying to make you understand. THIS is what I've been trying to avoid for THEM." She sighed and said, "What do we do now?" I shook my head and answered, "Either go on as we are, or they're going to have to cry for HOURS, over the course of several nights, maybe even a couple of weeks. I'm sorry, but I can't take THAT much crying it out. This damage is done." She took Rudy, silently, and left.
I can't sleep at night, I don't get much rest during the day, I have obligations to my 15 year old that I don't feel is fair to put on the back burner because I need a nap, and my mother is always complaining that she is tired. I'm sure she is, but *I* am the one in the house that does the bills, the driving, and the errands. I handle the household and family situations, and I'm expected to do it all with a fucking smile on my face.
Bullshit.
I'm tired and pissed, and if anyone in this house wants a piece of me, let's dance.
I am a well read woman. I do research as deeply as possible when it comes to my health, and that of my family's. I knew that when the time came, we'd be doing a bit of crying it out. It hurt like a sonofabitch, but in my heart, it was the right thing to do. Now, before my mother moved in with us, we didn't do a TON of it, but enough that they'd go down for naps, or go back to sleep if we went in during the night with a bottle.
After Mom moved in, my world exploded in many, many different ways. Jon received orders to Afghanistan, the twins began sleeping through the night fairly regularly, I made the momentous decision to go through with gastric bypass... it was a lot to take in! However, at some point, the twins began to pick up on all the changes and tension. They began refusing to go to sleep at night. Crying it out became an hour long process. My mother CONSTANTLY interfered, busting into their bedroom with bottles, picking them up, yelling and crying at us, etc. It was absolutely HORRIFIC. The twins recognized that she'd give in, and began pouring it on full force. I've never been so frustrated!
Not long after my surgery and their first birthday, Jon left. Great. Now I HAD to depend on her for help, and help is all she gave the twins... NOT ME. Long story short (too late), they've gone from waking once a night, MAYBE, to refusing to sleep in their room at all. Now wait... before you go off half cocked giving me advice as though I've not attempted everything under the sun, you should know I resorted to melatonin. Last night, and tonight.
Last night, Teddy slept til midnight, and Rudy til 5:45.
Tonight, they haven't been to sleep yet. Apparently, melatonin is a $7 joke to my children. I finally gave Rudy to my mother, and Cody is playing with Teddy right now so I can take a few minutes to calm down. When my mother came in to see what all the crying was about, I lost it... but only a little. I said, "THIS is what I've spent MONTHS trying to make you understand. THIS is what I've been trying to avoid for THEM." She sighed and said, "What do we do now?" I shook my head and answered, "Either go on as we are, or they're going to have to cry for HOURS, over the course of several nights, maybe even a couple of weeks. I'm sorry, but I can't take THAT much crying it out. This damage is done." She took Rudy, silently, and left.
I can't sleep at night, I don't get much rest during the day, I have obligations to my 15 year old that I don't feel is fair to put on the back burner because I need a nap, and my mother is always complaining that she is tired. I'm sure she is, but *I* am the one in the house that does the bills, the driving, and the errands. I handle the household and family situations, and I'm expected to do it all with a fucking smile on my face.
Bullshit.
I'm tired and pissed, and if anyone in this house wants a piece of me, let's dance.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Encouragement to Write
So many of my friends have encouraged me to pick up my blogging habit again, and I think I will oblige them. I'm just so tired sometimes, my brain isn't interested in thinking. The twins sometimes sleep through the night, and sometimes don't. Broken sleep makes for a confused and hollow mother.
I simply could not find my energy today. I forced myself awake and took a shower, but am quite certain I fell asleep standing up in there. I drove Cody to second service, because he serves at third service while we attend, then all go out to eat together as a family... but I came home and collapsed. I felt awful and guilty, but honestly, I was useless. My mother, who is usually a sourpuss but has recently had a change of attitude, sent me to bed with Rudy, who was just starting his nap, while she got Teddy up from his nap.
Bliss!
Unfortunately, I had a hard time waking up from that nap. Rudy was annoyed with me, as he was trying to get my attention, but I finally rolled out of bed and toddled him into the living room with my mother and Teddy. I then collapsed in the dining room where I sat until it was time to go get Cody.
Shelly Davis has encouraged me to give the twins melatonin in the evenings, but I'm unsure of it's effects. Some people say it's dangerous, while others swear to it. I'm nervous about it, but so desperate. Wouldn't brandy be safer?!?!?!
Well, I'm going to finish up my CafeWorld dishes and attempt to hit the hay. This was a weak post, but I'm a little rusty. Hang in there... I'll be back to my usual, fabulous self soon. I should copy and paste some of my old MySpace entries... those were a hoot!!!
I simply could not find my energy today. I forced myself awake and took a shower, but am quite certain I fell asleep standing up in there. I drove Cody to second service, because he serves at third service while we attend, then all go out to eat together as a family... but I came home and collapsed. I felt awful and guilty, but honestly, I was useless. My mother, who is usually a sourpuss but has recently had a change of attitude, sent me to bed with Rudy, who was just starting his nap, while she got Teddy up from his nap.
Bliss!
Unfortunately, I had a hard time waking up from that nap. Rudy was annoyed with me, as he was trying to get my attention, but I finally rolled out of bed and toddled him into the living room with my mother and Teddy. I then collapsed in the dining room where I sat until it was time to go get Cody.
Shelly Davis has encouraged me to give the twins melatonin in the evenings, but I'm unsure of it's effects. Some people say it's dangerous, while others swear to it. I'm nervous about it, but so desperate. Wouldn't brandy be safer?!?!?!
Well, I'm going to finish up my CafeWorld dishes and attempt to hit the hay. This was a weak post, but I'm a little rusty. Hang in there... I'll be back to my usual, fabulous self soon. I should copy and paste some of my old MySpace entries... those were a hoot!!!
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